


Good to Me, But I'm sorry

by troubledtroop



Category: Best Song Ever - One Direction (Music Video), One Direction (Band)
Genre: I'm sorry for this, M/M, Song: Perfect Now (Louis Tomlinson)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23564362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledtroop/pseuds/troubledtroop
Summary: Even when the tears are falling down, still somehowYou're perfect now...Throughout the song, Louis heard Harry's gut wrenching sobs. Just for the sake of finishing the song for his dear, so he knows how much Louis loves Harry, he closed his eyes, but when he opened them back again, he so wished for all of it to be a dream.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 10





	Good to Me, But I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lwtssunshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwtssunshine/gifts).



> Hi! uhhh this is honestly more like a spur of a moment thing. I'm sorry if this hurts or offends. Share, leave comments and kudos if you like this. xx

Never in a million years Louis thought that he'd have a boyfriend that would put up with him, let alone live with him. But lucky star probably was in Louis' favour that Louis gets a chance at both. Been like more than a year and four months since they moved in and 5 years 7 months since they started being the sappiest boyfriends to exist. 

In the beginning, when they both started having mutual feelings for each other, Zayn never though that his best friend, a freaking "don't label me Ë-Boy" kind of a guy, the "I'll punch you the face if you even dare to interrupt me" kinda lad, "order a fucking pizza" kinda guy, would ever find love with a "I'm the Soft boy", "I only need my books to get through this rough night" and "someone who orders Kale juice and Caesar salad". And Zayn still, to this day, wonders from whom Harry pulled the guts to approach Louis with a date proposal. And for Zayn, it took three weeks to just ask his name for the sake of photography sessions. 

And look at them now. Living in and Louis struggling his ass off in the Music studio, working as a producer for various artists, so he can earn too much to afford to go down on one knee, wedding and the honeymoon. Louis, through the years, has gathered all of the ideas of how Harry wants his wedding to be. And he trusted his serious one of the group, Liam on them responsibilities. Many Sunflowers and Dandelions but not too much because he didn't want Harry to come sneezing down the Aisle. 

Regardless, things have been going too good to be true that Louis sometimes pinches himself, mid snuggle with Harry, to pull himself back from the drifting thoughts that it could be a dream.

About the love story of them, started in college, won through the cramming stress of the Uni shenanigans. Harry was the one who popped the boyfriend question, while the sunset's golden orange, giving a glowing effect to Louis' tanned skin, floating on The Thames. That particular sunset gave Louis, the essence of Romance and he liked it.

By the end of sixth month since they started dating, Louis said the L word, mid playful wrestling, for who gets to choose the movie for the night. And of course, Harry won. Why? When they were wrestling, Harry ended up on the top, with his princess curls flowing down, and when he leaned down to kiss him sorry, Louis startled Harry with an "I love you", when the Laptop's screen illuminated lights which made Louis feel like Harry was the moon he'd look up for, at the end of the day. Harry cried and cried until Louis said, okay we can watch "The Notebook"for the third time this week. Harry won, I told you. Simply, since the day Louis had his eyes on Harry, he couldn't stay fine if there were tears in Harry's eyes.

Harry being a literature Major and Psychology minor, and Louis being a Music major and Photography minor, they both get to live an artistic life, together. They've been living like that for a while. Until, not. 

One certain day, Harry came barging in, accusing Louis of everything stupid, gave excuses for the date nights which they decided previously would be twice a month considering their busy schedules, shutting him out for nothing, locking his bathroom door, which is unusual; etc. Louis let it go thinking it was Harry's work that has been stressing him out. What scared Louis the most, is that, Harry would actually say I love you and sorry first, after all of their fights, and Harry never does that, since most of the time, Louis was the one getting in trouble. All Louis could think of was, While he was out running around London to find a perfect ring for the Harry he fell in love with, Harry was out there changing into someone Louis didn't know. 

Harry suddenly finds places to be, being someone odd for Louis' taste. Harry was always a prefect and planned guy. Something didn't set right.

And when he was talking about it with Zayn, he said that Louis was probably overthinking since he was too nervous and wanting to step back from being the one to get down on one knee. Louis partially agrees. Harry and Louis barely talked, in person, since it's either Harry or Louis that would be busy. 

So, he wanted to surprise Harry coming home early, after asking him where he was on a text and Harry responded with a heart warming answer, " _Home, missin u x"._ He didn't wait to run to a florist and get him flowers, and rushed home to hear something horrendous.

Harry was puking, and when Louis approached to help, Harry screamed at Louis, threatening not to come closer and slammed the bedroom door. 

Ever since that day, Louis was as clingy as a baby sloth and texted Harry every hour. Harry who appreciated being taken care of, started getting annoyed. Didn't let it show. But Louis knew him better than that.

Amidst this ordeal, Louis found a perfect ring, considering Harry's love for rings. A heavy antique rusty golden ring, studded with sun stone, which took him a whopping 245 grand. And right after he picked it up, he visited Anne, asking for blessings and then took a day off next day to visit his sisters and his step dads, followed by talking to his mum's headstone, telling her he was going to propose the lad she liked and the one who was his rock that kept him sane, while she was looking down upon him. After showing her the ring, he left her favourite flowers, he started to London. Because he shouldn't be suspicious, Harry didn't know, obviously. 

Just when he was thinking too much of how to propose him, Niall came to his rescue. What he didn't bother to think was, where was Harry going to, on a friday evening, without letting him know. And he didn't even want to lurk around that territory. Harry says I love you to him everyday and night, he wouldn't lie. Would he? 

All of this being apart, their usual cheeky texts never stopped. Texts being late, but the replies came. And Louis was Happy with that. Until, topic of insecurity came up. Harry calling himself ugly, lifeless pale, something about going bald and why Louis still loves him. 

Though Harry cried up reasons why he should be left alone to death, Louis brought up better reasons to stay alive and better memories for them to look up to. Harry would give a teary smile and shrug off the hug, to go to the bedroom, for Louis to join and cuddle him to sleep. But those nights, Louis would barely sleep, wondering who was making his baby think that he wasn't beautiful and enough, while Louis can see both of them together when their skin would be saggy and too many wrinkles, for Harry make fun of Louis then kiss each of them a goodnight making Louis pout. 

And on his birthday, Harry made him his favourite red velvet cake, recipe passed down by Jay. And if that didn't make Louis cry, then the gift Harry gave surely did make him cry out of happiness. It was an album of their Polaroid pictures, dating from pre-dating times (stalker ones that people take to tell their best friends) to the previous day, most of them Louis didn't know existed, making Louis rethink who was the photographer of their duo.

Pictures of them, giving him a whiplash of nostalgia, he laughed at the goofy ones he knew existed, and kissed harry for every picture that he didn't knew were taken. Every date, every fight, every accomplishment, every picnic, every therapy dog, all of them.

And as a Christmas gift, Louis got his favourite candle with a note attached,

_"I'll be there when the light is here,_

_Living the falling star, cuz time won't last,_

_Praying we'd still be together_

_Old and listening to our favourite Jazz_

_Just check check I'm real even when the flame goes out,_

_And pray that I'm not a ghost of past..."_

Louis hugged the life out of Harry after that note, it was written by Harry in the beginning when the College fever was testing them. Even when the last two lines weren't there the last time he got the passed chit. Along with that, he also got the Polaroid that Harry would take pictures with. When asked, Harry just said that he wouldn't need it anymore. Louis chose to ignore both of them.

Louis got Harry a set of antique pens, a custom made "bucket" and labelled it, "bucket list that I promise to help you achieve" and told him that, whenever he felt adventurous, drop the name and he'd get it done, and Harry who was really adventurous that night, asked for a loud sex, so loud his neighbours would know. And Louis did grant him that.

And the final gift being a custom made pocket watch, dials and numbers in Harry's handwriting. Out of everything, he held the pocket watch to his chest and started crying. 

All of this Christmas occasion being well spent together, New Year's broke the dream. Harry got way too drunk for his own good like there's no tomorrow. Just as the count down started, Harry pushed Louis away, rushed to the restrooms to empty his stomach. At the end of the countdown, Louis didn't get a kiss because Harry refused to, instead he got a very non-erotic blowjob int the stall of the pub they went to. But Louis would take a kiss from Harry, over a blowjob any day. They went to bed cuddling, what Louis didn't have a clue about, is Harry crying himself to sleep, after a sorry.

As Harry's birthday came closer, so did Louis' nerves. Well, because he was going to propose Harry on his birthday, and Louis thought if Harry loved him like Louis loves Harry, then that would be his best birthday gift, innit? 

The gifts on hand, firstly being that song he wrote for Harry while they were in college, but the composition and production seemed to be done now, since he works in a studio. As a matter of fact, Harry knew of this song, lyrically. But never completely produced. Later, when the song is fully finished, it was sent for approval to Niall. I mean, Niall IS Harry's best friend. 

And Niall being Niall, called for a secret group session, leaving Harry out of the loop, obviously for a reasonable reason. They met up at this old cafe, and put their Bluetooth on and listened to the song, filled with acute and almost non-existent double bass, and basic chords of guitar. After the listening session, they suggested it would be cuter if Louis gifted the song after giving a live performance. 

Glad that Harry wanted to celebrate his birthday with both Louis and his mum, Louis pulled a stupid excuse from his ass and stayed back to set up and buy things for his birthday

And when the day came, Louis was sweating from everywhere, while setting up the surprise party. While the rest of the boys thought it was from the exertion, it was more of a hysteria. He was going to woo the man of his life to then propose him. 

As the hours hand moved to six on the clock, Louis was ready with his guitar and the ring, burning a metaphorical hole in his pants. And room was ready and the guys went to hide behind the couch just after Louis got a text that Harry was in the driveway. 

Just as the door opened, Harry heard pure silence and saw candles lit room, illuminating the room with golden yellow, especially Louis and his guitar. When Louis looked up and gave him that crinkly eyed smile and pulled his guitar up onto his lap, Harry was sure that his heart took a skip as big as a Olympics qualifying long jump. 

Until that moment, Louis hadn't noticed his paler skin, dull eyes, hollowed cheeks and weak posture. Regardless, Louis was still so in love with the 6 foot something human. 

And when Louis started with the chords, Harry was gobsmacked, eyes teary and as wide as saucers, jaw probably would've touched the floor if it wasn't for his palms closing his mouth in shock. 

_You say to me your jeans don't fit_

_You don't feel pretty and it's hard to miss_

_I wish that you could see my point of view_

_As someone starin' back at you_

_On Friday night when we're all out_

_I turn to you and you're looking down_

_And you don't wanna dance_

_I know you love to dance_

_You never stop given half the chance_  
  


As the verse started, Harry's gears turned to hit him with a realization of what significance the song holds. Behind the hands that were fencing his mouth, Louis knew that there was a smile dancing. This was about when Harry absolutely refused to wear anything but sweatpants in the first months, his baby fat was leaving in a slowly pace and Harry was not having it. And the next part was about when they attended uni parties together, but Harry would stick to a corner with his drink, just to avoid Louis when he asks for a dance, saying he hated dancing, while when they're drunk and alone, the inner clumsy that Louis adored used to come out. 

  
_Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up_

_Don't hide away, don't ever change_

_Keep your head up, love, keep your head up_

_Don't look away, don't look away_  
  
_'Cause everybody's lookin' at you now, my, oh my_

_I guess some queens don't need a crown_

_And I know why_

_Even when your tears are fallin' down_

_Still, somehow, you're perfect now_  
  


Louis looked at Harry while singing, reminiscing the days when Harry used to think that he looked hideous when he held everyone's attention while the fact was Louis had a real hard time keeping them guys away from Harry. And Louis remember how he barely kept his sobs in, thinking he was being silent, but only Louis knew how much those little sniffles were too loud in his heart to keep him up, almost all night.

_You never do, but if you asked me to_

_I'll tell the truth lyin' next to you_

_'Cause you're the only one when it's said and done_

_You make me feel like being someone good to you_

_Even at your worst, you steal the scene and it's unrehearsed_

_Don't you wanna dance? Just a little dance_

_I'll never stop given half the chance_

_Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up_

_Don't hide away, don't ever change_

_Keep your head up, love, keep your head up_

_Don't look away, don't look away_

And this was part of the letter Louis wrote a three thousand worded letter of how much Louis loves him, their memories and finally asking him to move in with him. To the date, Harry still has the letter in the vault of his closet. Louis could never ask for a better human because their weirdness was weirdly compatible. The next bridge was recently added, hence Louis wanted Harry to hear it loud and clear. He'd repeat it a hundred thousand times if Harry asked him to. But Louis would never finish the song, if he kept looking at Harry, who was shedding tears like waterfall. He decided to close his eyes.

_Every insecurity, like a neon sign, as bright as day_

_If you knew what you were to me_

_You would never try to hide away_

_'Cause everybody's lookin' at you now, my, oh my_

_I guess some queens don't need a crown_

_And I know why_

_Even when your tears are fallin' down_

_Still, somehow, you're perfect now..._

Throughout the song, Louis knew that Harry was crying and Niall was getting it on tape. But Louis never noticed Harry's struggle to breathe, yet stood there listening to the entire song. And boy when Louis opened his eyes, he so wished that it was a nightmare, when Harry was looking down at his own hands, inspecting blood that covered his hands, that collecting source being his nose. 

It all felt like a disgusting Deja Vu that Louis witnessed when with his mum, in the hospital. And Louis simply couldn't accept things that have been right in front of his eyes.

All the symptoms he gathered from his mother, the heavy mood swings due to anxiety and hysteria; the depression; Harry being generous to say sorry even the fault was Louis'; finding them places to be, excuse used by his mum for her appointments; Harry getting sick, for all he could know, it could be blood vomits; Harry refusing to kiss on New Year's which was weird because he kissed Louis when Louis was sick, then knowing Louis would catch on with the iron and warm taste on his tongue; complains about headaches; his crying holding the watch, stupid Louis gifting him a stupid watch symbolizing something he didn't know he was doing. All of them were right in front of his eyes. He could say he was probably thinking far ahead, thinking that nothing was going to break them or was subconsciously in denial. He honestly didn't know how he could be so blind. He didn't know.

When Harry looked up at Louis, it felt like the moment stopped and everything else but Harry and the blood on his hands were a blur. He dropped the guitar to run up to Harry whose eyes were slowly going unfocused, signaling that he might be fainting, he tripped on the guitar's strap and hit his head in the corner of the coffee table, and then there were distant screams around and people touching him, but all he could acknowledge was the darkness that hooded his vision as he went unconscious. 

**Three years later:**

_Dear darling,_

_I hope you're doing well, baby. I must thank you a whole lot. You have been so good to me, so good._

_I was scared to even send you this letter, thinking you were mad at me, for keeping this from you. But don't blame me when I tried to bring up reasons to leave me, you gave me sweeter reasons to be with me. I might be stupid for wanting you to leave me, but I only thought of how broken you were when your mum passed away. I simply didn't know if someone would be there with you when... if I pass away. I just don't trust someone so much with my baby. I only thought of you being a little sad and then move on, at least you wouldn't be aware of the possibility of my... demise._

_But when I gathered guts to tell you, you'd be as sweet as my mum's chocolate chip cookies, and you know they're my favourite, and then ultimately distract me._

_Until I wished to be selfish and have you, until I really had to go. And seems like the time came. Now he we are, miles away, unaware of what the other one is doing. Just so you know, I'm currently crying right now, and it's heartbreaking that you are not here with me, but it was my choice to not have you here, just in case, you wouldn't have any sad memories with me. I can't have you crying over the sad parts if any. Please forget if there are any._

_I know it's all my emotions talking but right now, all I want is you holding me and telling me that we'd get married and have those pets I've always wanted and sing that song again and again because lemme tell you, I look hideous with that hospital gown and bald head. Even worse that Elliot when we shaved his hair off and gave a poor attempt at make up while he was passed out. Oh baby, those were the days that I's always go back to._

_I received the ring. May I tell you, that is a beautiful ring that you bought and if I was allowed to wear them, I would never stop flaunting that I am engaged to the love of my life. I'm really really happy that you still wanted me to be your fiancé, after all what happened and can happen._

_I never meant to hurt you, you know. Mum said she saw you at the whole foods, holding my favourite yogurt and crying till Zayn stepped in. I never wanted to hurt you. All I want to say is I got my eyes on you, and I never want to see you cry out of sadness. It's impossible I know but I dropped a chit in the bucket list box, saying, never make LouLou sad, don't know if you noticed, and you promised to help me achieve that. I know my man keeps his word when he gives one. Please don't break this promise._

_I'm allowed to keep the watch you gifted and I hold it to sleep every night hoping that I'll have time with you again and alive. Because I miss you a whole lot, you can't compare._

_I'm only hoping for a few more decades of birthdays with you, that's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Even when it gets so excruciating, I only want to wait long enough to feel my heart beat skip whenever you smile at me again._

_I might not come back. I really wish I could promise you of coming back but I can't. But at least if I die, I'd die as your confirmed better half. *wink emoji cuz i can't draw to irk you haha*_

_I love you so much more than you love me and you can't argue. Just give it up, man! I'll always love you more than you love me. Always, baby._

_With love,_

_Your Hazza._

_No, Harry, I love you more_ , Louis thought. Louis was currently 28, in the same house (because it isn't home without certain someone there), working himself like a machine, so much he wouldn't have time to think about Harry. But who was he kidding? 

It was _his_ third birthday that Louis was celebrating without Harry. He was such a fool for wishing for a miracle to happen. All through out the day, he only watched the video captured by Niall and read the letter over and over again, crying and making the paper go saggy. That video being a repeat of the last time he's seen Harry and the letter being the last contact from Harry. 

Through these years, Louis became a lyricist, writing all the memories he had with Harry, and given them out. Though it was private, he kept them in public so he might help those who lost their loved ones, he even gave out the song he wrote in memory of his mum and he promised himself he'd keep the song to himself and only himself. At that moment, Louis Tomlinson wasn't just a Music Producer but also a famous lyricist, with a twitter bio _"i'm not good at making promises"_ , c/o for sad songs and love songs, all genres considered. 

Louis folded the letter, put it in a vault that had Harry's sweet memories. 

Louis never saw himself as a writer until his therapist suggested him to write down his feelings. And then there he was, a brand. 

_Thank you, Harry,_ he mutters to himself every night as he goes to sleep, hugging Harry's favourite teddy. He also adopted a cat because Harry used to want one and Louis hates cats; didn't move on like Harry assumed, still single and not ready to mingle if shit ain't platonic. He fired his female assistant for three days, for complimenting his hoodie (Harry's) he wore to work that day, and later apologized, reappointing her. Yea he was ridiculous.

He once again saw the video, that ended abruptly every time, Louis was so used to it from the number of times he watched it, even if it was painful. What? he was holding on to the last visual memory of Harry! Just when the laptop screen flickered to death, reason being no batter, he looked at the sealed candle pack, that Harry gifted on the last Christmas he celebrated with him. With a sigh, he suddenly had an urge to light that candle, knowing it would've probably gone stale. He grabbed his lighter from his coffee table, same coffee table (every furniture piece he bought with Harry still intact and in place). Just when he put off the lighter flame, he heard a knock on the door. Louis walked with the candle since it was almost dark and he was too lazy to even turn them lights on. When he opened the door, he saw someone and he slammed it right back. 

He stepped back for the knob to jiggle then the door opened. They had the key or they picked the lock. No one but Harry and his own self has the keys and Harry... Harry... he didn't know. 

As the door opened, just like the last time he saw Harry, candle was present, Harry's tote bag was on the guy's shoulder and his hair was a little shorter. The guy smiled familiar, and Louis was about to piss himself. Louis thought it was a black magic until he remembered the poem and put off the candle flame and reached for the guy. He was still there, a dark silhouette moved to hold him but his biceps and Louis held him by his hips then the guy reached to turn on the couch side lamp and smiled, realizing that Louis actually remembered all of that poem. Don't blame him, of course Louis remembers all of it, those objects were the ones Louis went to, to draw up inspirations for his songs; not knowing that Louis felt like the objects were nothing if it wasn't for the emotional value they hold and out of all, Harry held them before, and Louis lived on THAT. 

When the lamp lit up, the silhouette took a structure, face and life. Almost same features, just a little old. Same dark green in his eyes, same redness on his lips, smile so bright they put sun to shame, dimples deeper as they get, and the smell of his favourite lip balm that Louis could smell from that proximity.

That was in fact Harry...

And that piece of information was good enough for Louis to kiss him senseless, holding him by waist and tight, as the kiss got deeper but as innocent as their first kiss with each other. When Harry moved his hands from Louis' biceps to hold his face, Louis felt cold metal on his cheek. When he pulled back from the kiss, he took Harry's hand that held his cheek, to look at what it was. 

It was the ring. 

Louis couldn't contain his tears and smile, so he pulled the smiling Harry by his hair and kissed him again.

Their wedding is still on, all of you are cordially invited.

_With love,_

_Lou and Haz_

**Author's Note:**

> If there was a sport of making oneself cry and on the Olympics, I'd get the first I think. Yea I made myself cry, may be i was too emotional of things around me or the story. Irrelevant, anyway. I could've written it better, but I'm quite proud of this one.  
> Leave kudos, comments and share this story if you like. :) xxx


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